Before I get into that though, I’d really like to give you a full update on Alyssa since she is the whole reason for this blog.
At the end of November, she moved from the Young Toddler classroom where I was her teacher into the Older Toddler classroom and with that move has seemed to grow more into the role of a toddler and less of a baby~ my baby. They have started potty training her and she seems to be picking up on it really well, too well sometimes… taking off her own diaper when it’s wet whether she is at home, in her bed, or somewhere else less appropriate for taking off diapers. She always will go grab herself a diaper, the pack of wipes, and then will lay down with her diaper in hand. I was always told this is the first step to successful potty training… realizing they don’t like having a wet/dirty diaper. Despite knowing that, sometimes I feel defeated because whenever I have her on the potty at home, she doesn’t go. I still let her know I am excited about her trying but it still makes me feel as though I am doing something wrong. And of course when I show enthusiasm for her trying, she wants to keep trying… even if we’ve already been at it for 15 minutes. And that would be fine if I had someone to do all of my housework and cook but the reality is, I don’t :). So the next best option I could come up with is to have a potty chair in every room of the house, but something tells me that isn’t practical either. So until we have this potty training under control, I’ll take any advice/suggestions you can offer me to help me with it as well as how you do this and get stuff done around the house.
Alyssa being in Older Toddlers has helped her vocabulary as well. She says a lot now… things I am still having trouble understanding but am starting to figure out because she puts actions with her words. Her favorite phrases are “Mine” or “Uh-uh” {as in no} and she also likes to say “__________ here”à fill in the blank with mommy, baby, De-De, Me-Me, etc. She also says things little girls shouldn’t say so we now know we must be careful what we say around her. She is definitely a little sponge who will repeat everything! She loves talking… that must be one of several traits she gets from me and her Me-Me.
When Alyssa isn’t potty training or saying things she shouldn’t be, she is busy raiding the fridge. I must invest in a fridge-lock! And when I say I must, I place a lot of emphasis on must. Alyssa loves to help herself to whatever I have in the fridge, be it cheese, ketchup, chocolate syrup, soda, milk, or leftover Chinese food; she just reaches right in and takes it out. And apparently Alyssa has learned that when added to milk, chocolate syrup can be quite tasty because she always reaches for the syrup when I pour her a glass of milk. I try not to give in too often but sometimes I have a hard time saying no to her!
One time, Alyssa tried to do what she sees her dad do… drink straight from the carton… and let me show you how that went:
Toddler + half gallon of milk= HUGE mess all over the kitchen floor!
(This is only the beginning of it)
Thus probably rises the question “Where were you when this happened?” Probably the same place I was when Alyssa decided to take my leftover Chinese food out of the fridge and throw it away creating a terrible odor in my house for a couple days… and that would be, in the living room or computer/play room~ in direct view of the kitchen. Which reinforces the idea that you can’t let a toddler out of your sight for a split second because even though they are small, they are quick!
Speaking of toddlers being small, Alyssa is FINALLY wearing her 18 and 24 month clothing… clothing she got as gifts for her first birthday. I don’t think she has gained much weight since she was 8 months old! And she is finally wearing a size 4 (infant) shoe! Do you know how hard it is to find shoes that are appropriate for a walking toddler in her size?! But I guess that is yet another trait she gets from me… small feet, and being petite.
(So petite she can fit through the cat door)
Along with potty training, I have two other tasks I am looking to accomplish before summer… getting Alyssa to drink from a regular cup and the complete transition into her toddler bed. The first one, getting rid of the sippy cup is not going to be too hard. She drinks from a regular cup at school, but at home she doesn’t have designated times when she can have a drink so it’s a little tougher to put restrictions on it. I know when I choose to really tackle this one that it’s not going to be too long before she masters it but getting rid of the sippy cup means she is growing up… and, well, we know how well I am accepting that!
Which is why the other task, the complete transition to her toddler bed, is going to be my most challenging task yet. Doing that means she really isn’t a baby anymore. And while I am always ready and excited for the next step in our lives, it still means letting a part of her go (and a part of me). That makes me sad, but I know I must do it because everyday she gets a little smarter, s little more personality, a little more independent, a lot more beautiful, and a little less like the baby I rocked to sleep every night while dreaming of these days! These are the days that I looked forward to for so long… the days where we would make memories together, making associations and remembering.
She is really good with those two things… associating and remembering which is why I am glad that what I’m about to tall you happened when it did, because at the time it did, she did not have the recognition that she does now.
About a week before the Disney cruise, Derick broke things off with me. I was devastated… although I don’t even think that was a strong enough word to describe what I felt at the time. Derick was everything I could’ve ever wanted in a guy… handsome, charming, smart, well-rounded, healthy, fun, adventurous, loving, dedicated, a great boyfriend and friend, an amazing “male-figure” for Alyssa to have in her life. I felt things for Derick that I hadn’t felt in years and it was very refreshing. I was the happiest I’d been in a long time when I was with him and Alyssa, doing “family” things as if we were and always had been a family. I never wanted to lose him or his amazing family. I had grown to love them a lot! And I know Alyssa did also.
But things change, and I think as the novelty of the relationship wore off and our differences in lifestyles surfaced more, we began to realize that we were too different for one another. Though, I was more than willing to learn about the things that interested him because 1. They were important to him and 2. I was really intrigued by the whole “country life” and everything it entailed. I wanted to learn how to dance; I wanted to learn how to hunt; I wanted to learn how to ride 4-wheeler; I wanted to learn how to keep a garden… it all intrigued me. It was also something I wanted Alyssa to learn as well. I wanted her to know what it meant to be a hard-worker and for her to never be afraid to get her hands dirty. And I know these are things that her dad will be able to teach her, and I would never intentionally take that away from him, but there was so much more to Derick’s world that I don’t even think Luke knows about.
When Derick and I broke up, it forced me to be stronger than I ever have been before. When Luke and I split up, I knew it was coming to an end and I had time to brace myself for it. Not to mention, I was in the process of falling out of love with him. But when Derick and I broke up, I was in the process of falling in love with him and although a couple weeks before, I had an indication that it could happen (us breaking up), things seemed to have gotten better. Derick and Scott became close… inviting Shanna, Scott, and the kids up to his house, making plans to go hunting together, etc. So when I say it came out of nowhere, I’m not necessarily kidding. I mean, the day before we broke up, he taught me how to shoot a gun and when we went to Cabela’s later that night, he joked with me about what gun to get me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and it definitely didn’t seem like the next night my world would come crashing down around me. But it did! And it was hard to pick up the pieces and carry on with life, but I had to… if not for me, for Alyssa. She depended on me to. In fact, it was how much my heart broke for her and how she was going to miss him and how he was going to miss her that made it so hard on me. I’ve experienced break-ups before but this one, I had to take the pain X2... Mine and hers. Nothing broke my heart more than hearing her say his name and seeing him say good bye to her. It’s not like when Luke and I split up and I knew he’d see her again… I knew there was a very good chance that when I left Derick’s house that day, that he might never see her again… and I know how much that probably hurt him because it hurt me terribly.
I will tell you that those next couple weeks and months were extremely difficult for me… the cruise~ something I was so excited for was a constant reminder of the “family” I just lost; Alyssa’s birthday; Thanksgiving; Christmas; New Year’s~ all these things that should’ve given me great joy just reminded me of how badly I wanted him back in mine and Alyssa’s life… or at least the “idea” of who I thought he was.
Don’t get me wrong, I still think Derick is an incredible guy and I’m pretty sure I will always think that about him, but the fact remains that we are two very different people from two very different lifestyles. I will never, ever regret the time I spent with him… he was a very important person in my life and Alyssa’s. He came into my life at a time I needed him to.
I learned so much from Derick (and I’m not talking “lifestyle”). He taught me what life and love is really about. He taught me that I deserved so much more than what I’d been settling for before him. He taught me there are guys out there that will accept me and Alyssa as a total package, and that they will love her as if she was their own. He taught me it’s ok to be myself and to accept myself, flaws and al, no matter what. He was beginning to teach me about who I really am… and he “left” my life when he did so I could finish discovering that on my own. And I think it’s a never-ending process but one where I have to do a lot of self-discovery before I can be with anyone else.
And one day I will be ready… I’ve been dating and seeing people, but I’m not ready to give my heart to someone the way I was so willing to give it to Derick. It was broken when I met him and he shattered it even worse when he left, but I know that once this healing process is complete, it will be stronger than ever with more love to give someone. Just as I’m proving to be stronger as each day passes and knowing I do have so much love to give someone when the right someone comes along into mine AND Alyssa’s life.
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